I was at the Disney exhibit at The Montreal Museum of Fine Arts and I constantly had to just peek over the shoulders of shorter people and try to move faster because there were some things I just wanted to look at and not ponder for extended periods of time. There’s only so much time you can spend looking at a tiny sketch in a glass box when the full work based on the sketch is plastered up on the wall. Sure, I understand that it’s all about the design process, but it was really just annoying to deal with these people moving at a snail’s pace. And they’d get really upset if you pushed in front of them, too. They’re not moving, there’s space ahead of them, so why not? It’s efficient. I’m sure the Germans would be open to it.

End of rant.

Prologue

I decided a while back that I would get a whiteboard for my room. Now, to get anything larger than an 8.5″x11″ ‘boardlet’ it would have cost me a pretty penny. However, I came across a guide which explained how to make a dry erase board out of acrylic glass (Plexiglas) by screwing a large plate of Plexiglas to the wall and writing on it with dry-erase markers. I decided that it was a perfect whiteboard solution.

So I had my father pick up a $20 sheet of Plexiglas (2′x3′), some washers and some screws the next time he was at the hardware store. Within a short while I had a fancy board up on my wall. Harley was happy.

Act I: The Markers

So I went to Bureau en Gros and picked up some Expo Markers. The markers state:

Can be used on whiteboards, glass and non-porous surfaces

So, I figure a non-porous acrylic board would be fine. I go to the board and write “TEST” in big letters in black; it erases fine. Green; it erases fine. Blue; it erases fine.

I get to the red marker; I write “TEST” yet again, and the surface powder of the marker comes right off, but leaves behind a (still clear and visible) red “TEST” that doesn’t erase. OK, I think, time to try some water. The water does nothing. I try Windex; nothing. Alcohol; nothing. Finally, I think to myself, hey, what about nail polish remover? That’ll work! They add acetone to most whiteboard cleaners (I verified this online before trying it).

I get the good ol’ diluted acetone from my stepmother’s drawer. Lo and behold, the ink comes off. When I get out the other markers to test them again, I realise that the board is grainy. I figure it’s just the markers not writing so well. I feel the board, and it really is rough. Not the smooth Plexiglas that I felt everywhere else.

It turns out that acetone is often used as an adhesive for plastics, because guess what? IT EATS AWAY AT PLASTIC!!!

So, there are two things pissing me off:

1. Expo markers state that they work on non-porous surfaces, and never say anything about testing them first (which could lead to their liability in the event of problems such as mine)

2. MY GODDAMN WHITEBOARD IS FUCKIN’ GRAINY!!!

Since it was late, I resolved to call Expo in the morning.

Act II: Communications With Expo

Expo Markers are distributed by the Sanford company, so I called Lucy D., manager of consumer affairs for Sanford Canada. We spoke for a while, I explained my situation, but I never mentioned that I had already used acetone to clean my board. I figured it would be my own liability if I did mention that I made that mistake. I decided to base my complaint on the lack of a warning indicating that one must test the markers on every surface.

Lucy suggested that I use water; I said I tried it and it didn’t work. Windex; tried and failed. Alcohol; tried and failed. Finally she suggests Expo board cleaner. What’s the primary ingredient? Acetone. I explain that I’m using a Plexiglas board and acetone will eat away at it. So when I explained the fact that I had a big stain saying “Test 1-2-3″ on my board, rendering it useless she told me: Well, you have to test them on every surface before using them. So here’s what I’ll do – I’ll send you a coupon for new markers.

This wasn’t working. So I asked that they replace my board. She kept talking about replacing the markers. So we had the following discussion:

-Alright, if you can’t do anything about it, please forward me to your legal department immediately.

-Oh, what you have to is mail me a letter and I will forward it to the legal department.

-Can’t I just speak to them on the phone? Can you give me their number?

-No, I don’t have that information.

SO THEN HOW THE FUCK WOULD SHE GET IT TO THAT DEPARTMENT???

Act III: Letter Writing

So, I agreed to send a letter, but Lucy told me that if I want them to handle it properly, I would have to send my markers as well as copies of the receipts for both the markers and the whiteboard.

My letter, for those who are interested, basically ran as follows:

Ms D.:

As per our telephone conversation on 8 May 2006, I am sending this letter detailing the problems encountered using the “Expo® Bold Color Dry Erase” Markers. The Expo markers were purchased in order to write on an acrylic surface (hereinafter referred to as “the board.”) Of the two Expo markers tested (red and black) one (red) was unable to be erased. Attempts were made to remove the markings using an eraser, a tissue, water, rubbing alcohol and Expo® Cleaner; none altered the stain in the slightest. Acetone-based cleaners were not an option because of acetone’s deleterious effect on acrylic surfaces.

This staining is not a problem with the board, as attempts were made with unbranded dry-erase markers from “Dollarama” as well as Staedtler® dry-erase markers; in both cases the markings cleanly wiped off. Only the Expo markers left residual stains.

Your argument was that the markers are designed for whiteboards and are not recommended for other surfaces; I disagree—the packaging indicates that they are “for use on whiteboards, glass and most non-porous surfaces.” Acrylic is a non-porous surface, on which dry-erase markers are frequently used; in fact, Expo® markers are often offered alongside acrylic products (see http://www.bhphotovideo.com/bnh/controller/home?O=productlist&A=details&Q=&sku=230523&is=REG, for example). You informed me that I was expected to test the markers on the surface before actual use—I would appreciate if that recommendation were on the packaging so I would not have had to find this out a posteriori. Since you claimed there was nothing that could be done other than the previously-mentioned options, since the board is useless if it is covered in writing and since the packaging did not inform me of any requirement to test nor of any potential of staining “non-recommended” non-porous surfaces, I demand that Sanford® reimburse the full cost of the board and the markers. The receipts and markers are included.

Furthermore, as you claimed to be unable to initiate such a reimbursement on your own, I ask that you forward this to the appropriate department and communicate with me further as soon as possible.

I sent everything (tracked) via Canada Post, and I was later able to tell that she had received the package a day or two later. I waited. And waited. Nothing.

A week later, I called Lucy up and asked what was going on with my complaint.

-So, it’s been a weeks, and I know you received my letter; why have I heard nothing?

-Oh, I received your letter, and I was just preparing a package to send out to you with new markers and our whiteboard cleaning solution.

-I never said I wanted that. I want to be reimbursed for the cost of a new board.

-Well, I can’t authorise that. I can refund you for the markers, though. Anything more than that would have to go through the legal department.

-Wait, you never forwarded my letter to the legal department?

-No, I figured you would be satisfied with the present solution.

-I’m not. Please forward my letter to the legal department immediately.

-I can’t do that. You’ll have to send a new letter to the legal department.

FUCKING HELL!!! CAN’T THEY GET ANYTHING RIGHT???

-Can I just send you an e-mail instead?

-Sure.

So I sent a near-exact copy of the original letter via e-mail, putting the part where I wrote “I ask that you forward this to the appropriate department” in bold. I got a response:

Thank you for your e-mail and the web site locations. I have looked at these web sites and found the information interesting and a little misguided. Some of the products they are recommending for cleaning, such as paper towels and window cleaner will damage most surfaces that are recommended for dry erase products. It is very important not to use an abrasive cleaner or glass cleaner on a white board surface. These can remove the finish and/or impair the eras ability.

The website that advertised our Expo product was specific to the Expo low odour markers which are alcohol based. The B&H website advertised our Expo markers in a set of 4, but advised they were for porcelain and melamine boards. However, I feel both Expo and Expo 2 or the low odour Expo markers would not be suitable for plexiglass (sic).

I will forward your information to legal, but we will require a photo of the damage to your plexiglass (sic). Could you e-mail a photo of the damage to me to complete my information.

Thank you Mr. Cooper, I appreciate your help in the matter.

Best regards,

Lucy

So I sent her the picture linked to above with the following message:

I understand that the markers should not be used on Plexiglas. That is not really the issue. I learned that lesson from my board being ruined. The bigger issue is that Sanford should have clearly indicated the need to test the markers on the surface in advance. This is Sanford’s point of fault and the reason I feel justified in demanding reimbursement for my board.

I have attached the photo and hope you will finally forward this to the legal department as requested.

I heard nothing from ol’ Lucy D. for a couple of weeks. I sent a quick e-mail:

Ms Duncan, It has been nearly two weeks since I provided the photograph detailing the extent of the damage to my board, and I have still heard no confirmation from either yourself or the legal department. Please get back to me as soon as you can, as I would appreciate being informed of the status of my claim.

Later that day I got an e-mail:

Hi Mr. Cooper, Sorry for the delay. I was waiting for a ship date for your cheque from the finance dept. The cheque has been processed today, but is coming from our parent company Newell/Rubbermaid in the U.S. I have asked that the cheque be sent to me, so that I could forward to you with a letter. I hope to receive the cheque this week.

We realize you have had a bad experience with our marker (sic) and apologize for this inconvenience. Your comments have also been entered into our information base which is viewed by our manufacturing and marketing.

Thank you for your patience.

I really couldn’t have cared less about her letter. I’d heard enough from Lucy D. But whatever. It worked.

One more week passed; no results. I sent an e-mail inquiring about the status (yet again).

Epilogue

I received one final e-mail from Lucy, saying:

Hi Mr. Cooper,

Your cheque was mailed yesterday from our office here in Oakville, Ontario.

You should receive today or very soon.

Thank you again for your patience.

Lucy

A few days later, lo and behold, I had a cheque not only for the whiteboard, but for the markers AND the postage costs for sending the markers out.

Problem solved, and once again everything was happy in the world of Harley. For a little while…

I figure I can start this blog post off with a little story about how I got my Nintendo Wii, and the resulting aftermath.

Now, let me start by saying that I had been looking for a Wii for a little while, ever since Leilani told me she was getting me one for Christmas (Best. Girlfriend. Ever.) She even went with Skrud to Best Buy at Marché Central early in the morning on a day they were getting Wiis in stock just to see if they could get their hands on one. No luck then — people had been waiting since 8PM the night before! Just can’t compete with hardcore losers.

So, I resolved to put as much effort as possible into getting one for myself. I decided that based on what I had heard, Wal-Mart was the best bet.

Act I: Wal-Mart

Scene I: The Phone Calls

So I called Wal-Mart and spoke with Moron Employee of the Month© Number One, and the conversation went something like this:

–Hi, I was wondering if you knew when you are getting any Wiis in.
–No.
–You are not getting any Wiis in, or you don’t know?
–No.

At this point I get frustrated and switch to French. I will provide this in translated form, despite the fact that her French was broken and incomprehensible as well.

-Are you getting any Wiis in anytime soon? -Yes. We usually get 15, and they should come in Monday. Call in the morning – 8AM – and someone can put one aside for you. -Excellent. Thank you!

Monday morning at 8AM I call Wal-Mart up. Nobody picks up. I call again. Nobody picks up. Repeat a bunch of times. Later that day I call and finally someone says that they always come in Mondays or Tuesdays, at 10:30AM. But they don’t put them aside.

Scene II: The Visits

I go in on Tuesday at 10:15AM, and Moron Employee© Number Two tells me, in a frustrated voice, ‘we didn’t get any and aren’t getting anything today’. But I can’t let something like that discourage me. So I go to the manager. He seems much more down-to-earth. He says: ‘Look, our shipments come in between 10:30 and 12. If you wait around for a bit and check in with me in about half an hour, maybe you’ll have more luck.‘

I decide to wait. I see the manager disappear in back. So I think to myself ‘yes! the shipment must be coming in now! So I wait. And wait. Some more employees disappear in the back. I wait longer. All the employees (except for the manager) come back empty-handed. I wait more and more, but no manager in sight. Finally at 12:30 he shows up. I talk to him briefly – he says they received nothing and to try again the next day.

The next day I show up at 10:30AM, and I get the same spiel – the Wiis should come in between 10:30 and 12.

Now, I knew I wasn’t going to wait and let them dick me around again. So I speak to another employee, whose voice I recognised as that of Moron Employee of the Month© Number One. The conversation went as follows (with me speaking in English and her in broken English, which I translated into real English):

–Hi, I had heard that the Wiis were supposed to be coming in. Do you know when they’ll be arriving?
-No, but they should be here between now and 12. But since you were here early, I can put one aside for you if they come in and I will call you. Just leave me your name and telephone number.
-Sure! So, if I leave now, and they come in at, say, 12, you will call me?

She stares at me blankly and shrugs — a gesture that immediately gave me a bad feeling

Since my father’s office is near Wal-Mart, I asked my stepbrother (who works there) to check in during his lunch break and see if they got them in but didn’t tell me. Meanwhile, I had received no calls from Wal-Mart.

He calls me a while later and says ‘They said the Wiis came in around 12, and they were sold already, but to try again next week‘. So the person was as incompetent as I had figured.

Act III: Microplay

Scene I: Adam to the Rescue

Now, my friend Adam — one of the most considerate people I know — calls me up that very same day, and the conversation went as follows (abridged):

-You said you were looking for a Wii, right?
-Yep.
-Well, I’m going to NYC in mid-February and since stores aren’t supposed to get any new Wii stock until mid-to-late February, I can get one for you, and you can pay me back.

What ensued was a discussion of the problems of importing items, especially the taxes/duties after a short trip. In the end I determined that it wasn’t worth it.

10 minutes later, another call from Adam:

-I found you a Wii. Would you be able to leave right this second?

I had a class coming up, but I agreed immediately.

-So here’s the deal. They have one at the Microplay in Ville St-Laurent, but it has to be bought as part of a bundle. It’s $400 but you get a Wii, brand new in the box, 2 used games and 12 free rentals at Microplay. The catch is that there are only 3 games to choose from — Madden ‘07, Red Steel and Splinter Cell.

Now, I had to think about this. I didn’t want any of those games, but I figured I could sell them and recoup some of the losses. So I agreed, and he had the guy at Microplay put the system aside for me.

Scene II: The Purchase

I rushed over to Microplay, where I was told that they only take cash or interac, so I had to withdraw money from the account I don’t touch, since no credit cards were accepted. I paid the guy and got the system immediately. Now, the guy shows me the games (I chose Red Steel and Splinter Cell), which were in a startling sort of condition.

Most discs in DVD cases come with the following components:

• Disc (duh)
• Manual/Interior insert
• Case
• Outer insert (i.e: the part you see behind the clear plastic when the case is closed)

Now, the discs are in mint condition. The manuals look like they were mangled a bit, but not terrible. The cases are in mint condition. I can’t tell you about the outer inserts because THE GAMES HAD NONE!!! How the hell are you supposed to get a good resale price on games if they look like plain white cases???

But I figure it’s the best way to get a Wii and I stuck with it. Especially since the 12 rentals amount to a $72-odd value. Mission accomplished - Wii obtained.

Scene III: Rentals

So, after selling the used games for next to nothing, I decided to use my free rentals at Microplay on Queen Mary. So I head over there with Skrud, and after looking around I decided on a game (I think it was Rayman: Raving Rabbids).

I go to the cash, where the fellow tells me that I have to create a new membership at that location. No problem. I set it up, and when I hand over the rental card they gave me at Microplay he looks at it quizzically and tells me they don’t accept it. So the $72 I was expecting in value was worthless. I rented nothing that night.

The next day I call the original Microplay and the guy forwards me to the head office, where I left a message stating the problem and to call me back. This was a Thursday. By Tuesday (today) I had still received no calls.

I was not happy.

Epilogue

So I get on the phone with someone new at the Microplay head office today, and the guy apologises profusely. He calls up the store that snubbed me, had them put a note in my file to give me a free rental, and to accept my card when I come in. I am now a happy Harley.

And we’re live!