Cooper’s Capers

Reader’s Note: The stories are not in any chronological order. I hope to get all of the old stories off my chest and update with new stories as they (hopefully don’t but inevitably will) happen.

Prologue

I decided a while back that I would get a whiteboard for my room. Now, to get anything larger than an 8.5″x11″ ‘boardlet’ it would have cost me a pretty penny. However, I came across a guide which explained how to make a dry erase board out of acrylic glass (Plexiglas) by screwing a large plate of Plexiglas to the wall and writing on it with dry-erase markers. I decided that it was a perfect whiteboard solution.

So I had my father pick up a $20 sheet of Plexiglas (2′x3′), some washers and some screws the next time he was at the hardware store. Within a short while I had a fancy board up on my wall. Harley was happy.

Act I: The Markers

So I went to Bureau en Gros and picked up some Expo Markers. The markers state:

Can be used on whiteboards, glass and non-porous surfaces

So, I figure a non-porous acrylic board would be fine. I go to the board and write “TEST” in big letters in black; it erases fine. Green; it erases fine. Blue; it erases fine.

I get to the red marker; I write “TEST” yet again, and the surface powder of the marker comes right off, but leaves behind a (still clear and visible) red “TEST” that doesn’t erase. OK, I think, time to try some water. The water does nothing. I try Windex; nothing. Alcohol; nothing. Finally, I think to myself, hey, what about nail polish remover? That’ll work! They add acetone to most whiteboard cleaners (I verified this online before trying it).

I get the good ol’ diluted acetone from my stepmother’s drawer. Lo and behold, the ink comes off. When I get out the other markers to test them again, I realise that the board is grainy. I figure it’s just the markers not writing so well. I feel the board, and it really is rough. Not the smooth Plexiglas that I felt everywhere else.

It turns out that acetone is often used as an adhesive for plastics, because guess what? IT EATS AWAY AT PLASTIC!!!

So, there are two things pissing me off:

1. Expo markers state that they work on non-porous surfaces, and never say anything about testing them first (which could lead to their liability in the event of problems such as mine)

2. MY GODDAMN WHITEBOARD IS FUCKIN’ GRAINY!!!

Since it was late, I resolved to call Expo in the morning.

Act II: Communications With Expo

Expo Markers are distributed by the Sanford company, so I called Lucy D., manager of consumer affairs for Sanford Canada. We spoke for a while, I explained my situation, but I never mentioned that I had already used acetone to clean my board. I figured it would be my own liability if I did mention that I made that mistake. I decided to base my complaint on the lack of a warning indicating that one must test the markers on every surface.

Lucy suggested that I use water; I said I tried it and it didn’t work. Windex; tried and failed. Alcohol; tried and failed. Finally she suggests Expo board cleaner. What’s the primary ingredient? Acetone. I explain that I’m using a Plexiglas board and acetone will eat away at it. So when I explained the fact that I had a big stain saying “Test 1-2-3″ on my board, rendering it useless she told me: Well, you have to test them on every surface before using them. So here’s what I’ll do – I’ll send you a coupon for new markers.

This wasn’t working. So I asked that they replace my board. She kept talking about replacing the markers. So we had the following discussion:

-Alright, if you can’t do anything about it, please forward me to your legal department immediately.

-Oh, what you have to is mail me a letter and I will forward it to the legal department.

-Can’t I just speak to them on the phone? Can you give me their number?

-No, I don’t have that information.

SO THEN HOW THE FUCK WOULD SHE GET IT TO THAT DEPARTMENT???

Act III: Letter Writing

So, I agreed to send a letter, but Lucy told me that if I want them to handle it properly, I would have to send my markers as well as copies of the receipts for both the markers and the whiteboard.

My letter, for those who are interested, basically ran as follows:

Ms D.:

As per our telephone conversation on 8 May 2006, I am sending this letter detailing the problems encountered using the “Expo® Bold Color Dry Erase” Markers. The Expo markers were purchased in order to write on an acrylic surface (hereinafter referred to as “the board.”) Of the two Expo markers tested (red and black) one (red) was unable to be erased. Attempts were made to remove the markings using an eraser, a tissue, water, rubbing alcohol and Expo® Cleaner; none altered the stain in the slightest. Acetone-based cleaners were not an option because of acetone’s deleterious effect on acrylic surfaces.

This staining is not a problem with the board, as attempts were made with unbranded dry-erase markers from “Dollarama” as well as Staedtler® dry-erase markers; in both cases the markings cleanly wiped off. Only the Expo markers left residual stains.

Your argument was that the markers are designed for whiteboards and are not recommended for other surfaces; I disagree—the packaging indicates that they are “for use on whiteboards, glass and most non-porous surfaces.” Acrylic is a non-porous surface, on which dry-erase markers are frequently used; in fact, Expo® markers are often offered alongside acrylic products (see http://www.bhphotovideo.com/bnh/controller/home?O=productlist&A=details&Q=&sku=230523&is=REG, for example). You informed me that I was expected to test the markers on the surface before actual use—I would appreciate if that recommendation were on the packaging so I would not have had to find this out a posteriori. Since you claimed there was nothing that could be done other than the previously-mentioned options, since the board is useless if it is covered in writing and since the packaging did not inform me of any requirement to test nor of any potential of staining “non-recommended” non-porous surfaces, I demand that Sanford® reimburse the full cost of the board and the markers. The receipts and markers are included.

Furthermore, as you claimed to be unable to initiate such a reimbursement on your own, I ask that you forward this to the appropriate department and communicate with me further as soon as possible.

I sent everything (tracked) via Canada Post, and I was later able to tell that she had received the package a day or two later. I waited. And waited. Nothing.

A week later, I called Lucy up and asked what was going on with my complaint.

-So, it’s been a weeks, and I know you received my letter; why have I heard nothing?

-Oh, I received your letter, and I was just preparing a package to send out to you with new markers and our whiteboard cleaning solution.

-I never said I wanted that. I want to be reimbursed for the cost of a new board.

-Well, I can’t authorise that. I can refund you for the markers, though. Anything more than that would have to go through the legal department.

-Wait, you never forwarded my letter to the legal department?

-No, I figured you would be satisfied with the present solution.

-I’m not. Please forward my letter to the legal department immediately.

-I can’t do that. You’ll have to send a new letter to the legal department.

FUCKING HELL!!! CAN’T THEY GET ANYTHING RIGHT???

-Can I just send you an e-mail instead?

-Sure.

So I sent a near-exact copy of the original letter via e-mail, putting the part where I wrote “I ask that you forward this to the appropriate department” in bold. I got a response:

Thank you for your e-mail and the web site locations. I have looked at these web sites and found the information interesting and a little misguided. Some of the products they are recommending for cleaning, such as paper towels and window cleaner will damage most surfaces that are recommended for dry erase products. It is very important not to use an abrasive cleaner or glass cleaner on a white board surface. These can remove the finish and/or impair the eras ability.

The website that advertised our Expo product was specific to the Expo low odour markers which are alcohol based. The B&H website advertised our Expo markers in a set of 4, but advised they were for porcelain and melamine boards. However, I feel both Expo and Expo 2 or the low odour Expo markers would not be suitable for plexiglass (sic).

I will forward your information to legal, but we will require a photo of the damage to your plexiglass (sic). Could you e-mail a photo of the damage to me to complete my information.

Thank you Mr. Cooper, I appreciate your help in the matter.

Best regards,

Lucy

So I sent her the picture linked to above with the following message:

I understand that the markers should not be used on Plexiglas. That is not really the issue. I learned that lesson from my board being ruined. The bigger issue is that Sanford should have clearly indicated the need to test the markers on the surface in advance. This is Sanford’s point of fault and the reason I feel justified in demanding reimbursement for my board.

I have attached the photo and hope you will finally forward this to the legal department as requested.

I heard nothing from ol’ Lucy D. for a couple of weeks. I sent a quick e-mail:

Ms Duncan, It has been nearly two weeks since I provided the photograph detailing the extent of the damage to my board, and I have still heard no confirmation from either yourself or the legal department. Please get back to me as soon as you can, as I would appreciate being informed of the status of my claim.

Later that day I got an e-mail:

Hi Mr. Cooper, Sorry for the delay. I was waiting for a ship date for your cheque from the finance dept. The cheque has been processed today, but is coming from our parent company Newell/Rubbermaid in the U.S. I have asked that the cheque be sent to me, so that I could forward to you with a letter. I hope to receive the cheque this week.

We realize you have had a bad experience with our marker (sic) and apologize for this inconvenience. Your comments have also been entered into our information base which is viewed by our manufacturing and marketing.

Thank you for your patience.

I really couldn’t have cared less about her letter. I’d heard enough from Lucy D. But whatever. It worked.

One more week passed; no results. I sent an e-mail inquiring about the status (yet again).

Epilogue

I received one final e-mail from Lucy, saying:

Hi Mr. Cooper,

Your cheque was mailed yesterday from our office here in Oakville, Ontario.

You should receive today or very soon.

Thank you again for your patience.

Lucy

A few days later, lo and behold, I had a cheque not only for the whiteboard, but for the markers AND the postage costs for sending the markers out.

Problem solved, and once again everything was happy in the world of Harley. For a little while…